The 37-3 thing that occurred Sunday at Lambeau Field was a festering hunk of road kill.

It was a light bulb in a trash compactor.

It was a clown act without floppy shoes or baggy pants.

It was a wart with hairs, attached to an old lady's snout.

''I thought we would come out and play a lot better than we did today,'' Bears coach Lovie Smith said.

Interesting quote, Coach, since playing worse, according to my dog-eared metaphor guide, is essentially impossible. Only one comparison, way in the back of my book, is that extreme: '' Detroit Lions .'' And the entry warns: ''Use with extreme caution. May cause spontaneous projectile vomiting.''

The Bears' defense surrendered 200 yards rushing and 227 passing to the previously sub-.500 Packers. To give up more in either category would have necessitated more plays and probably a stench so severe that even the ''Bears Still Suck!''-chanting Packers crowd would have been overcome by the aroma and forced to flee the arena for the safety of cheese cellars and deer blinds.

''We just got our butts kicked today,'' Bears offensive tackle John Tait said.

Not only that, they got their tails whipped, their noses wiped, their arches stomped, their shorts wedgied.

Let's start with the coaching

Where to begin with the carnage and the fault-finding?

First of all, the Bears' coaches should take a bow, especially defensive coordinator Bob Babich, for having anything to do with this disaster. Babich's players allowed Green Bay to average 6.3 yards per play, which led to the Packers rolling to 24 first downs, or a chain movement every 2.83 plays. Tailback Ryan Grant gained more than 100 yards -- in the first half -- and quarterback Aaron Rodgers completed 23 of 30 passes for 227 yards, two touchdowns and a 105.8 passer rating.

Give up much more, and the Bears would have had to declare themselves an arm of the federal government.

Smith is theoretically in charge of everything Bears, so his failure goes without saying. Coordinator Ron Turner ''coached'' the Bears' offense to nine first downs, 25 percent third-down efficiency and a limp-wristed 234 total yards.

His, or Lovie's, display of game management at the end of the second quarter was a real jaw-dropper. Getting the ball with 1:06 remaining in the half, the Bears ran off only 24 seconds before returning the ball -- via a terrible punt by Brad Maynard -- allowing the Packers to casually score a field goal for a 17-3 halftime lead.

''We didn't do anything on offense, and it's tough to win when you do that,'' said Bears quarterback Kyle Orton, who swore his gimpy right ankle was no factor in his wretchedness.

That being the case, wow, did Orton stink. He can't feel good about dropping the ball for no reason in the fourth quarter, leading to a 54-yard fumble-return touchdown by defensive end Jason Hunter, or finishing second to -- clothespin, please -- Rex Grossman in passer rating, 65.1 to 65.2.

Let's see -- the Bears' wide receivers caught four passes for 52 yards. So they stunk. Marty Booker got shut out, and after the game his official age was revised from 31 to 7,000.

Devin Hester continues to disappear as both a wide receiver and a return man. It wasn't good enough that he had 11 punt and kickoff returns for touchdowns in the last two seasons or that he was a double Pro Bowl selection as a returner in 2006 and 2007. No, he had to catch passes, too. And he's proving himself mediocre at that. Sunday he had lots of passes thrown his way. He caught one for seven yards. Yay.

A total team effort

Did we mention the offensive line or the defensive players, specifically?

Consider them mentioned.

Indeed, the once-proud Bears defense recently has morphed into something resembling a sieve or a lollipop. If middle linebacker Brian Urlacher hadn't intercepted Rodgers' deep pass at the 8-yard line in the second quarter, who knows how much worse this affair might have been.

But then, didn't we mention that descent to Lions-like status is almost impossible to achieve?

This was just one game, as many of the Bears pointed out in the locker room. And the Bears are still, amazingly, tied for first place in their division. So this thing may have been grotesque, but it wasn't necessarily fatal. (Let's have a big, sarcastic hand for all the 5-5, championship-hopeful teams in the NFC North!)

''You guys can write as much negative stuff as you want,'' Bears defensive end Alex Brown said quietly in the gloomy near-silence. ''We probably deserve it.''

We will. You do.